Don’t Bogart That Bean Dip!

Hat tip to Ace

HARDEE’S AIR FORCE BASE, Alabama (SP) — The military’s new weapon is a ray gun that shoots a beam that gives people the munchies.

The technology is supposed to be harmless — a non-lethal way to get enemies to drop their weapons and pop out for a quick nosh.

Military officials say it could save the lives of civilians and service members in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. “In economically developing areas like this, the people need something else to do besides fight in the streets and riot. This weapon diverts their attention to the nearest eatery. Eating out is good for the economy.”

The weapon is not expected to go into production until at least 2010, but all branches of the military and fast food executives have expressed interest in it, officials said.

During the first media demonstration of the weapon Wednesday, airmen fired beams from a large dish antenna mounted atop a Humvee at people pretending to be rioters and acting out other scenarios U.S. troops might encounter.

The crew fired beams from more than 500 yards (455 meters) away, nearly 17 times the range of existing non-lethal weapons, such as rubber bullets.
“Mister Scott. Set phasers for munchies”

While the sudden, pangs of hunger were not painful, they were intense enough to make participants think they would collapse if they didn’t immediately have a Double Quarter Pounder Extra Value Meal.

“This is one of the key technologies for the future,” said Marine Reserve Col. Ronald McDonald, director of the non-lethal weapons program that helped develop the weapon. “Non-lethal weapons are important for the escalation of force, especially in the environments our forces are operating in.”

The system uses milliburger waves, which penetrate only 1/64th of an inch of skin, just enough to induce the body to produce an organic form of tetrahydrocannabinol. By comparison, common kitchen microwaves penetrate several inches of skin and produce charcoal.

The milliburger waves cannot go through walls, but they can penetrate most clothing, officials said. They refused to comment on whether the waves can go through glass. Col. McDonald points out “This is just the first generation of this weapon. We have work underway in our classified labs that I can’t really talk about, but let’s just say it might be a good idea to buy stock in the food services sector.

Two airmen and 10 reporters volunteered to be zapped with the beams, which easily penetrated various layers of winter clothing. All 12 immediately dropped their notebooks, climbed into a VW microbus and left the scene. They were found later at a nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet. One was quoted as saying “Dude! This extra crispy is gnarly.”

The system was developed by the military, but the demonstration was attended by police officials as well. Commented Columbus, OH police chief Les G. Goins, “This will be great for Columbus Ohio. Now we can get our football fans to get into cars and celebrate over barbecue instead of celebrating by barbecuing cars.

Border Patrol Agent Vaminos Vasquez, 22, said he could have used the system during his four tours in Texas, where he manned border crossings around near Laredo. He said Mexicans often pulled up and faked car problems so they could scout Border Patrol locations. “One time we were set up across the river from a cabrito stand. It was tough sitting there smelling that barbeque.”

“All we could do is watch them,” he said. But if we had the ray gun, we “could have dispersed them. It would be So Long Texas – Hello Mexico! They’d be eating that barbeque and we could go back to the donut shop.”
“Two fajita tacos and a large Frostie por favor”
Supporting this idea an unnamed administration official said that the White House was considering implementing a foreign aid program for Mexico that would encourage Mexican entrepeneurs to establish restaurants along the 700 mile border, on Mexican soil. “Every time they try to cross, we zap ’em, and back to the taqueria they go. Brilliant!”


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