Instead of a Thursday Thirteen this week Semitough has decided after attending Energizer Buddy’s middle school holiday choir concert to thank a few folks who’s contribution made tonight’s concert what it was. You see these people everywhere; movie theaters, church, airplanes, dance recitals, etc. and rarely to their deeds get the recognition they so richly deserve. Without further ado, here is exactly what they deserve:
Whooping Cough Guy: Th*nk you so much for sharing your disease with us at the concert tonight. Not only did you cough, deeply and uncontrollably, loud enough to drown out the choir, but I’m all of a sudden not feeling well. Thanks for sharing.
Thirteen Month Old Baby Guy: I just can’t believe how cute your thirteen month old baby must be when he or she is not screaming his or her lungs out. And th*nk you for not interrupting the concert by leaving in the middle like all those other rude bastards did before the finale (more on them later). By staying you treated us all to the dulcet tones of your baby’s unhappy sounds and reminded us what it was like to have babies. Big brother or sister in the choir must be so proud.
Vending Machine Guy: Th*nk you for supporting our public schools by purchasing snacks from the vending machines during the concert. I know that the 75 cents will come in handy when it comes time to build that new wing. And thanks for reminding us how convenient it is to have a combination cafeteria/auditorium. How great that you were able to get your nosh on and we only missed a minute or so of the concert while the machine ground out your selection.
Toddler Guy: How smart of you to combine watching your older child’s choir concert with exercise for your toddler! Supporting the arts and battling toddler obesity is so noble of you. Having your 3 year old running up and down the aisles was barely a distraction to the rest of us. Th*nk you!
Early Leaver Guys & Gals: Th*nk you for your consideration and giving up your seats with two songs left. And thanks also for waiting until the choir director was speaking and recognizing the children’s efforts. We didn’t miss a single note or word while you were making your way out of your rows and up the aisles by the dozens and I’m sure the choir director barely noticed the sound of your chairs scraping the floor as you stood en masse and headed for the exits. How smart you were to leave early and avoid the traffic jam sure to ensue when the other 75 or so of us left after the concert was actually over.
Camera Guy: You must have the world’s greatest video/digital photo collection. And you must be at least semi-professional. The way you weaved your way through the crowd and stood right there in front to get the best shot was nothing short of brilliance! It was really OK that the rest of us couldn’t see. At least you got the shot you wanted. That’s really all that matters in this world is that you and yours get served. The rest of us are really more than willing to miss whatever. Th*nk you for allowing us to contribute to your successful filming and photography.
[Editor’s note: If readers are starting to think that “Th*nk You” is really code for something else that can’t be written in a family blog you might be on to something. If it never occurred to you that it might mean something else, you need to get out more]
So to all of you mentioned above, and others I might have missed, th*nk you from the bottom of my heart for being the rude, insensitive, self-centered, obnoxious, inconsiderate pr*cks that you are. I might have really been stuck trying to come up with a post tonight without you. Th*nk you, th*nk you, th*nk you.
And twice on Sundays.
Oh, by the way….Energizer Buddy had a speaking part in the program tonight. The above distractions aside, he performed flawlessly as always. I am always amazed and surprised (not sure why) by his poise and confidence when speaking in front of large groups. He blows me away.
Also got a chance to lay eyes on the new squeeze for the first time. The Buddy has been very secretive about this one, giving Esposa and myownself only the barest details. Which of course is making Esposa crazy. Looks like this one may last. I’d better start working on a name for her in the event that she appears as a character in a future post.