The GOP owes a special thanks to all the liberals, democrats, progressives, and so-called independents who convinced me to do something today that I have never, ever done and always swore I would never do:
Vote a straight Republican ticket.
As someone who started out their political life as a Democrat, I always hoped the LBJ/Southern Democrat wing of the party would reassert itself and kick the prognuts back to the communist party where they belong. It became clear to me just recently that this was never going to happen. If Bill Clinton is as close as the Dems can come to the middle of the road then all hope is gone. I guess the election of Howard “Hoowah” Dean as DNC Chairman should have been my first clue. But in addition to Al Gore and the Deaniacs here are a few Special Honorable Mentions:
Kinky “I want to be your Good Shepherd” Freidman, Independent candidate for governor. I’m not sure whether it was the profanity laced interview with a local TV reporter or his repeated attempts to usurp a Savior that he does not believe in, but what I initially thought might be an amusing campaign turned ugly when Kinky started thinking he could win. Really Kinky. Put down the bong and get back to reality. Texas is a big ole state with lots of people who don’t remember the good ole days back in Austin when a fella could make a livin’ a sangin’ songs and makin’ fun of white folk. Tell Willie I said “Hey!”
Carole Keaton “One Tough Grandma” Strayhorn, independent candidate for governor. Come on Grandma. I guess you started thinking hey if I can convince people I’m an outsider maybe I can beat Governor PrettyBoy. Think again. Watching you commit political suicide was an ugly thing. I had respect for you back when you were an outspoken Comptroller but you are the ultimate Austin insider. Your exhortation to “Shake Austin up” rang false to this ear. One campaign too many. Maybe you and Kinky can get together and run for Travis County dog catcher. Better yet, why not just sit back and enjoy those beautiful grandkids?
Chris “Republicans give your kids birth defects and asthma and make your babies come out naked” Bell, Democrat candidate for governor. You had me thinking Chris. I’m no Rick Perry fan. I might have crossed the aisle to vote for you until you put that “Sick” ad on TV. Sick indeed. Rick Perry may not have cut my taxes like he claimed, but he never did anything to harm the children of this state. Either grow up or go be the most popular history professor on the campus of Texas University at Austin. They’ll love your peurile pedantic rhetoric there. Just ask Al Gore.
John “Heinz” Kerry, D-Mass. Dear Senator Kerry, determining what is offensive is the right of the offendee not the offender. You said what you said. It was on the TV. It was on the YouTube. It was all over the internets. Why not just say “That’s not what I intended to say, I’m sorry to those who were offended”? But no, you “apologize to no one” then the next day…..you apologize. Just one more flip flop among many. You misunderestimate the intelligence of the American people. You got as close as you’ll ever get in 2004. Your 15 minutes is up Senator. Even your own party says so. Maybe if you keep your mouth shut Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton will let you shine their pumps.
Bottom line is that I don’t know who will end up controlling the Big Top Circus House or the Senate Gentleperson’s club in Warshington or who will end up inhabiting the Governor’s Mansion in Austin (hint: Rick just canceled the moving van) but I do know that I voted my conscience today doing something I had vowed to never do. Way to go LibProgDemPendents! Now you’ve got me breaking my promises.