|Thirteen Things about Semitough:Now that Halloween is out of the way the stores are pushing out the Christmas decorations and such, turning Semitough’s thoughts to what he would like to get from Santa this year. With much thought and agonization Semitough has narrowed his list to the Top Thirteen things he will be requesting this year:
1. World Peace – Hey look, I’m no theographical deep thinker or anything. I just figure if there was world peace then all the news channels would go off the air and that would create more time to show football on TV. With the lack of new famines, bombings, invasions, and genital mutilations rolling in they might even expand football season so they play it year round. Yeah. World peace. That’s the ticket.
2. Digital Camera – Not one of those little pinky chick cameras on a wriststrap, I want one like my boy bigdino has. Full blown autoeverything bad boy with a lens as long as your arm. One that can take pictures of a gnat’s genitals from around the corner. One that is so full of technoglitteratiness and complicated that there is no way the Esposa will figure it out and steal it from me like the one she “gave me” for Father’s Day several years back. But I’m not bitter.
3. My Ride Pimped – Having just inherited the MiniExpress SUV from Esposa I find myself tooling around the Texas Prairies in a ride that is stunning in it’s gayness. I need like a lift kit and some of those Bigfoot tires and maybe a flame job. Inside I need some drop down 42 inch flat screens, Playstation2, and one of those speaker boxes that will rattle the windows and vibrate road signs when I blast out Thin Lizzy songs on my Sirius satellite radio. Either that or some of those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
4. Extreme Makeover:Garage Edition – Semitough’s garage is pitiful. Shovels and other yard implements hanging on nails, no work bench on which to perform mythical projects, no manly cabinets with crannies for filling with tools and other garagobilia. I’m thinking something like this. Although the floor might be a bit too swishy.
5. Canine American Trailer House – So many times our Canine American quadrapedal housemates get left out at the holidays. No redneck canine should be without his or her own trailer house. This addition to Semitough Semi-Acres Trailer Court would meet or exceed all restrictions and quality standards, even if it’s not a doublewide.
6. Redneck Car Horn – While I’m getting the MiniSUV Express pimped I think I need one of these horns installed.
7. Beach Trip – Maybe here.
8. Colorado Trip – After a week on the beach, maybe a week here.
9. A Meat Smoker – No not one of those patio ornaments, but a real meat smoker, on wheels, with all the whistles & bells like this one. Throw a dish on top and pop up the 42 inch flat screen on the newly pimped MiniSUV Express and we’re talking serious tailgating now boys & girls.
11. Cement Pond – I go back and forth on this one, a real pain the rest of the time, but in the summertime one of these sure does sound mighty fine. Besides every hillbilly needs a cement pond. Guess I could always try something more along these lines.
13. Cash – Everybody’s favorite gift to receive. Semitough accepts VISA, Mastercard, Amex, Discover, & Paypal.
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