|Thirteen Things about Semitough:After a particularly harsh week at the jobsite, Semitough started thinking that perhaps it was time for a career change. After all life is too short to be unhappy 2-3 hours a day, so Semitough hit the job boards out on Monster and began the search. Unfortunately, positions matching Semitough’s stingent requirements were pretty slim. Therefore, here are 13 position descriptions for jobs Semitough would consider. Resume, salary requirements, references, and list of demands available upon request.1. Lottery/Jackpot Winner – “Successful candidate must have a proven track record in the ability to blow through large sums of money. No previous budgeting experience required or encouraged.” I’m a cinch for this job. All I need to do is show them my Amex statement and my debit card history and I’m in.
2. Executive Vice President – Product Verification, La-Z-Boy, Inc. – “Job responsibilities include extensive testing of company product during development, production, and preshipping phases of manufacture. Must possess the ability to sit motionless for long periods of time.” Natch!
3. Luxury RV Occupant – “Candidate must be knowledgable in all aspects of recreational activities including but not limited to lounging, eating, flat panel TV watching, and tailgating. Perks include KOA membership, season tickets, and unlimited entertainment budget.” Throw in a driver and a tow-behind Nissan 350ZX convertible and I’m there.
4. Chief Skybox Inspector – “Inspector must certify the marketability of skybox seats at various venues across the US by attending multiple sporting events and arena concerts from each box. Additional duties include full certification of all food served (including dessert carts and shot bars) and ensuring sufficient quantities of all bar items are available.” As long as I can delegate the rock concerts to a subordinate.
5. Executive Vice President – Product Verification, Anheuser-Busch, Inc. – “Responsibilities include extensive taste testing of complete product line and conducting focus group studies at various establishments where product is served.” I’ll stipulate to the acceptability of the non-alcoholic products….bring on the Budweiser! Round for the house!
6. Limo Rider – “Successful candidate will be one who is accomplished at accepting free rides, refreshments, and providing back seat direction.” Actually this sounds like a job for Energizer Buddy or his sister The Princess.
7. Gala Hollywood Party Attendee – “Responsibilities of this position are red carpet walking, smiling, accepting schwag bags full of expensive goodies, and after party attendance where copius amounts of gourmet food and free alcoholic beverages must be consumed. Previous experience as a Limo Rider preferred.” Press: Who are you wearing? Semitough: Levi Strauss.
8. Chocolate Taster – “Black belt taster required for this sweet position.” I’m there. Hell, I’d volunteer for this job.
9. Luxury Residence Occupant – “Occupant needed to inhabit luxury condos, penthouses, beachfront homes, and ski chalets at various exotic locales worldwide. Accomodations are rent free and transportation, food, and other amenities provided.” I’m thinking Maui. No. Paris. No. Switzerland. Or maybe all of the above.
10. Chief Napping Officer – “Executive level slacker needed to lead a demotivated team of chronic professional sleepers.” This one plays to my strengths.
11. Executive Vice President – Product Verification, Sony, Inc – Large Screen TV Division – “This position requires ability to spend hours verifying picture quality and continuity on various large screen sets. Digital cable provided.” I’m thinking combine this one with 2 and 5 to create a multifunctional executive who can test recliners, big screens, and beer all at the same time! Triple salary. Sweet.
12. Cabana Occupant – “Cabo location. Corona provided.” ‘Nuff said. I’ll take it.
13. Mystery Bar Patron – “Candidate is expected to frequently visit various drinking establishment posing as a regular customer to evaluate staff performance, drink quality, and establishment’s ambience. Generous expense account provided.” I could take this one to new levels.
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