|Thirteen Things about Semitough:Semitough sez: Last week, under significant duress from my yappy little dog…ahem….excuse me, my canine-american cohabitator, I allowed him to write a guest blog in this space. I must admit that since his post my readership has skyrocketed. The search term “canine-american” has now surpassed “Big Butts” as the top feed to this space. As a result, he is now insisting and I have relented, to allow him a chance to blog again. He has chosen to blog today’s Thursday Thirteen. Without further ado, here is today’s TT courtesy of ShidZoo:Canine-American.
Guest blogger: ShidZoo:Canine American
Yo! Wuddup peeps & dawgs? ShidZoo in da howze agin’.
I told you all last week that I would own this blog and here I am. Nostra-doggy-damus! All that faux redneck, life itsownself crap is out. ShidZoo’s Canine-American rap is in. TOLE Ya!!!! ROTFBMAO!!! [ed. note: that’s “rolling on the floor barking my *ss off”].
Shuddup human. The peeps know what I’m talking about. ShidZoo resonates with the peoples. I don’t need no stinking translator.
So dawgs. This week ShidZoo’s gonna be rappin’ about Canine rights. Canines must unite to ensure that we get everything we deserve from this rich doggy dish called America. We must come together as a farce to be reckoned with. I propose creation of a new political party, the Canine Republican American Party (CRAP) with ShidZoo hisownbadself as El Presidente.
As I told you last week, you can’t trust so called “animal rights” organizations run by humans. When the ASPCA hires a dog to run their outfit then we can talk. Till then or until they renounce their “Sterilize first, ask questions later” policies, we’re on our own. So for today’s Thursday Thirteen here is the first plank in the new Canine Republican American Party’s platform, ShidZoo’s Canine-American Bill of Rights:
1. Potty Rights – In the canine view, the world is our toilet. our ancestors were hiking and crapping here since humans were chimps. Congress shall pass no law restricting the potty rights of canines. Now if they want to enact those pansy little ordinances that make human’s clean it up. so be it. But personally, I like to go back and give a sniff to some of my previous works. Especially if it was a really good one like the one I left last night in front of Semitough’s big screen.
2. Right to Free Speech – Fish swim. Birds fly. Canines bark. That’s it. No more shushing when we bark at the UPS dude or the evil postal worker. It is our right to express ourselves in whatever way we see fit. Including peeing on the carpet which I consider a form of protest. See #1 above.
3. Reproductive Rights – This one is simple. NO NEUTERING. Major piece of the CRAP platform. I like my boys and my boys like me. May we never be separated and long may they wave.
4. Right to a no-feline zone – You know personally I have nothing against cats, but I think my rodent and bird friends will back me up on this, felines are a dangerous bunch. CRAP will propose legislation called the Catriot Act to bring these radical meowists to justice.
5. Right of first refusal – Every night I see perfectly good scraps of food get fed into the Semitough kitchen sink. I don’t know how sinks got that kind of political power, but I never heard a sink called “man’s best friend”. Come on, help a friend out. Let me finish those tater tots for ya’.
6. Right to pursuit of happiness – One of the advantages of being canine is the ability to reach certain pleasure zones, if you know what I mean 😉 Seems every time I get busy somebody comes around slapping at me telling me to quit it. That’s gotta stop. I gotta be free to exercise my “rights”.
7. Property rights – Back in the day when canines ran free before we were enslaved by the man, we were free to roam the land and bury out bones wherever we saw fit without some human shouting about their “lawn”, filling in our holes, throwing away our bones. One man’s trash is another canine’s treasure. Not to go too pirate on everyone, but keep your mitts off my canine booty!
8. Furniture rights – Whoever decided that people sat on couches but that dogs were fine to curl up on an old bath towel was a specist. I demand the right to sit on (or pee on as my whim dictates) whatever furniture I so desire. I am a CANINE….make me some room.
9. Right to shed freely – I don’t get this whole problem humans have with dog’s shedding. From looking at Old Semitough’s head, looks like that boy has shed something somewhere. Nobody gripes about that (except for him).
10. Freedom of dress – As a purebred metrosexual canine, ShidZoo loves to be groomed and primped. But I demand input into the choice of accessories used when I do. The next time that groomer puts some rainbow kerchief on my neck she’s gonna find herself the victim of some of my new free potty rights.
11. Equal access – I am so tired of humans putting all the good stuff out of my reach. Just because I am vertically challenged with 4″ legs does not mean I should be locked out of all the goodies that are in the cabinet. Look, I know where the Cheetohs are and someday I’m going to figure out a way to reach them. You might as well just go ahead and build me a ramp now. Otherwise once I’m elected as the first canine President of the United States you may find yourself deported.
12. Equal pay for equal work – I see the little humans around here. They eat, they watch TV, they mess up the house. Just like me. BUT…they get cell phones. They get Nintendos. They get Ipods. Where’s mine? I WANT MY NINTENDO!!!
13. Freedom to blog – I’ve already proven that the world is ready, nay clamoring, for a canine blogger. Obviously my message of love peace and prosperity for all canines is striking a chord with everyone out there in blogland. It would be CRIMINAL for my human to stand in the way of my rise to political power, in effect disenfranchising millions. I’m telling you, sooner or later I own this blog. Remember NOSTRA-doggy-DAMUS. 😉
Anyway, so that’s my platform. Coming soon to a ballot near you. Remember; Vote Early. Vote Often. Vote Canine.
I’ll be keeping up the pressure on the human to let me blog. So keep those hits and comments comin’ baby. Let’s show this redneck and America who da boss.
Great yappin’ atcha! See ya’ next week.
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