Semitough Sez: For a while now ShidZoo, our quadrapedal canine housemate, has been bugging me to get him a laptop or at least let him contribute to this forum. After some minor keyboard modifications and hacking together some bark-to-human translation software we’re finally ready to go Beta. Without further ado, here is his first guest blog.
Guest Blogger: ShidZoo
What up dogs? ShidZoo in da howze!! Man I can’t believe how long it has taken for the so-called “master” to get his shidzoo together so I can blog this. I mean for top o’ the food chain I would have expected better. Oh well, that’s water under the hydrant. I got a lot of stuff saved up so let’s get scratchin’.
So-called Animal Rights Groups – Who do these nutjobs think they are fooling? As far as PETA is concerned if you don’t have fins or expensive fur you’re a second class petizen. And the SPCA? Don’t get me started on those morons. Their big schtick is encouraging humans to spay and neuter us! Say what? If these moonbats really cared about us they’d be asking for a minimum wage, voting rights, and improving that lousy slop that passes for “food”. I’d like to see some of those freaks noshing on a bowl of marble-sized, hard as a rock kibble while nursing the wound where their nuts USED to be.
While we’re on the subject, how about some respect dogs? From now on I want to be addressed as a Canine-American. As long as we allow ourselves to be denigrated by terms like dog, pet, and what not we’ll never get our props. And no abbreviations either like K-9. That’s like calling Christmas, Xmas. Spell it out bitch, it’s only six letters. Show me some respect.
Steve Irwin – I was all ready to come out swinging on the Crock Hunter. I was gonna be all “Go Stingray. It’s your birthday!” but then those PETA bastards started dissing him so now I’m all like “what a great loss for the animal conservation community”. 😦 But the real deal is, for my money, Jack Hannah is da man. Anybody that has locked up as many cats as that dude is OK by me.
Canine TV Programming – As a semi-employed member of the canine species I get a fair amount of time in front of the old boobs tube. Talk about your vast wasteland. I know canines get the occaisional cameo on COPS, but that’s just for German Shepherds who on the whole are a bunch of uberpricks. I coulda done that crap, but they were all like “but you’re only 17 pounds, this is for non-miniature breeds”. Elitists. And don’t get me started on the so-called “Animal Planet”. First they got the aforementioned SPCA Police shows where they go in all SWAT team to “rescue” the canines while all the while all they’re looking for are lab rats for their barbaric genital mutilation experiments. And the “America’s Funniest Animals” show which reinforces every Canine-American stereotype you can name. Canines chasing tails. Ha ha. Canines endlessly jumping up and down. Hoowee, that’s a knee slapper. Get real.
What I’d like to see:
- Laguna Bitch – a cast of young nubile pups frolicking in the surf of the Real OC while dealing with all of the drama of being canine in America.
- Extreme Makeover: Kennel Edition – good looking designers surprise deserving Canine-Americans with a complete canine crib renovation.
- Pimp My Hide – Makeover show where Canine-Americans are groomed, clipped, bathed, and primped (NO NEUTERING) before the big reveal where they are presented to their human and canine friends in a grand fashion.
Anyway, that’s just a start. I gotta go. My human is all like “hurry up, I gotta check my blog stats, i need to see how many hits I got today”. Like anyone reads his sh*t anyway. We’ll see what they look like tomorrow after MY post hits the blogosphere. This blog will end up “Suburban ShidZoo” before it’s over.
So later dogs. Been great yappin’ atcha. See ya’ on the rebound.
And remember – two teats good…six teats better.