|Thirteen Rules For Dating Semitough’s Teenage Daughter:
1. Have a destination in mind. None of this “We’re just gonna hang out”. Nothing should be hanging out while you are with my daughter.2. When you pick her up, don’t even consider honking your horn. Plan on coming to the door, coming inside, sitting down for awhile and getting to know the Esposa, Energizer Buddy and myself. If your movie starts in 15 minutes, tough sh*t. You should have shown up earlier.3. Be nice to her little brother. Revenge is his middle name, Energize R. Buddy. He’ll have your MySpace hacked and showing your naked baby pictures within 15 minute of your departure if you don’t treat him right. He’s good like that.4. Esposa may fall for the “nice boy” act should you attempt to try to be all Eddie Haskell. Semitough? Not so much. Keep in mind that I can see right through you and know you like a book. Attempts to bullsh*t me are doomed to failure so don’t even try.
5. As stated in number 1 above, nothing should be hanging out while you are out with my daughter. Keep your tongue in your own mouth, your pants zipped, and your shoes on. You never know when I might be around and if it’s not exposed, I can’t cut it off.
6. Don’t go all NASCAR/Mario Andretti with my daughter in the car. If you want to drive fast we’ve got “Need For Speed” 1 & 2 for the Gamecube upstairs. Go on up, I’ll bring up some snacks.
7. Be on time. Wear a watch. Get one of those bigass Flava Flave watches to hang around your neck if you need to so you will be sure to know what time it is. If I say have her home at 11:30 that does not mean leave wherever you are at 11:30.
8. Always remember, you answer to me, not The Princess. If she says “It’s OK, I can be late, Daddy won’t mind” don’t listen to her. It’s you and me pal. I hold you personally responsible. Get her home on time or else. Your future depends on it.
9. The conditions of Semitough’s parole do not allow him to own firearms…but he knows people who do.
10. Semitough has “associates” who are paid not only to carry firearms, but have the ability to double-tap a suspected Tango between the eyes with a spread no larger than a quarter at 10 paces.
11. Said associate is also expert in hundreds of ways to maim, disable, and if needed kill using only hands, head, and/or feet.
12. No excuses, no whining, and no crying. If you violate these rules, take it like the man that you otherwise might have grown up to be.
13. Should the above not scare you and you still somehow hurt my daughter, you will recieve the ultimate consequence. Semitough will step aside and you can explain yourself to The Esposa.
May God have mercy on your soul.
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